When John met Keir

It wasn't quite a meeting of minds

Scotland’s new contingent of 37 Labour MPs say Scotland will be the “beating heart” of the new administration, echoing their leader, Sir Keir Starmer. Well, didn’t he make his first official visit as prime minister to Scotland? What more could you want? And he saved Grangemouth while he was at it. Except that Labour certainly hasn’t saved Scotland’s only petrochemical plant from closure by Ineos, and Keir Starmer has no intention of nationalising it. And while both John Swinney and the new prime minister insisted that they wanted a new “collaborative” reset of relations between the Scottish government and the UK under Labour, this leaked transcript of their exchanges, released courtesy of the Times, revealed that the gulf of understanding between the Scottish National Party and UK Labour remains as wide as ever….

FM:Congratulations Prime Minister, on winning fewer votes than Jeremy Corbyn. Ha ha. Just my little joke.  But seriously: how about that special Scottish immigration visa that Jackie Baillie promised?

PM:Er, there was no promise of a Scottish immigration visa, John, if I may call you that. She said we’d look at ways of  “incentivising” people to come here and we will.  Look, we really want to establish a new era of cooperation to make Scotland the beating heart of the UK. We want inclusive skin in the game. To throw power and resource to the regions. Put country before party. Did you know that my dad was a tool maker? 

FM:What about putting the Scottish country before party and devolving immigration to Holyrood? The deputy leader of the Scottish Labour Party promised a new deal, what about it Keir?

PM: Look, we’ll reform Scottish representation on the Migration Advisory Committee in the fullness of time.  But, John, if you want to make Scotland more attractive to migrants you could stop local authorities like Glasgow temporarily capping the numbers of asylum seekers. Not very welcoming that, was it?  Anas agrees with me that immigration has been too high in recent years and that our new Border Security Control force, the gangbusters”, must and will stop the boats. 

FM: So you’re now demonising immigrants? Very inclusive.  Anas Sarwar’s predecessor, Jack McConnell, when he was First Minister, introduced the Fresh Talent initiative that allowed students to remain in Scotland for two years after graduation.  Surely you wouldn’t be averse to reviving that.You do want more students to come from abroad don’t you Keir? To pay for university black holes.

PM:The only black hole I am aware of in university finance is the one you've created in Scotland by abolishing tuition fees. Actually, we need to talk about that anomaly, but now is not the time. As you know, Fresh Talent was rolled up back in 2012. But look - if you have any concrete ideas. This is a listening government. We think the people best placed to decide what’s needed going forward are real people with game-changing skin who have a seat at the table.

FM: Okay, money where your mouth is Prime Minister. Will you now honour the promises made by the former PM, Gordon Brown, in his 2022 report and endorsed by you in the manifesto? Replace the Lords with a regionally-elected Senate and make the Sewel Convention legally binding?

PM: You mean give the Scottish government a veto on UK legislation in devolved areas?  The Supreme Court made clear that Sewel is not constitutionally meaningful and merely a political statement of intent. However, we shall be exploring the options for consultation on a constitutional review later in this parliament to reflect maturely on Gordon’s, er, weighty recommendations.  But change doesn’t happen over night. 

FM: So change the habit of a lifetime, Prime Minister and accept the settled will of the people of Scotland and let us hold a referendum on independence.  You cannot surely be a democratic, listening government and ignore the democratically expressed wishes of Scots in poll after poll and in the 2021 Scottish elections where the SNP…

PM: Hang on! I’ve just shaken hands with 37 new Scottish Labour MPs and you’ve been reduced from 48 to only 9.  That’s a pretty dramatic expression of the will of the people of Scotland. Didn’t you say this general election would be a kind of de facto referendum if a majority of seats went SNP.  They didn’t. You lost. So perhaps a period of silence…

FM:…Aha! so you agree that elections can be a referendum...

PM: No, I don’t. You were the ones that said it - not us. I don’t think there is any demand for any kind of referendum right now. But look, I am serious about a new start, turning the page, drawing a line under 14 years of Tory chaos and breaking with the politics of self interest. My dynamic new Mission Delivery Boards will help make devolution work for everybody - not least because I will chair them. 

FM: So, will your committees look at lifting the Section 35 block on the Gender Recognition Reform (Scotland) Bill passed by an overwhelming majority in Holyrood including all your Labour MSPs?  Wasn’t that veto a clear case of the Tories running roughshod over devolution?

PM: Seriously?  I thought you’d dropped the legal challenge to S35. And didn’t you just quietly implement the Cass Review on gender services to children the other day? Are you saying that you still want 16-year-olds to change sex by signing a bit of paper as per the Gender Recognition Bill?  Look - Annalise Dodd, my new minister for women, will be reforming gender law to make it less intrusive and humiliation. And by the way, she is absolutely clear about what a woman is, which is that it’s all “a matter of the context” whether they have penises or not. So you won’t actually need Sturgeon’s bill any more to put rapists in women’s prisons. .

FM: But it's not just about the bill itself; it’s a matter of honouring devolution, prime minister. How can we believe that Scotland being listened to if you ignore overwhelming votes of Scottish Parliament? What you say gives me little hope of us turning over this new page.  It sounds very much like the old page. Like Tory business as usual, especially with your plans for privatising the NHS.  So, one more chance Prime Minister: are you going to lift the draconian restrictions on Scotland’s capital budget, which forced us to cut affordable housing by £200million this year? Didn’t you promise no return to Tory austerity?

PM: Steady on there, John. We aren’t privatising the NHS only reforming it. And as you well know Scotland receives 20% more spending per head through the Barnett Formula. If you decide to spend it on bollards and cycle lanes instead of affordable housing that is your call.

FM: There you go again: continuity with Tory climate denialism. Surely, we must decarbonise transport with active travel as part of our just transition. And meanwhile, will you listen to Scottish business and end the draconian windfall taxes on the oil and gas companies? 

PM:  Eh? Sounds like you’re the climate deniers, siding with Big Oil -  companies that have been making super-profits. GB Energy will show our commitment to the transition by encouraging those same energy companies to invest in the North Sea - if any of them are left, that is. So let’s leave it there, John. Let this meeting be emblematic of my new cooperative reset. Now - must dash. 

(As told to Iain Macwhirter)